On the main page of this website, I have a mini rant about art for art's sake, which is basically a mission statement for me. It's there because for the entirety of my life, I've been an artist, but have been unable to "feel" like one because of the way I've been treated, and the way society, specifically American society, likes to treat everything as a business, even the things that have no business being so.
I've sold art at fairs before and had a couple gallery showings, and while the events themselves were sometimes fun, there was always this lurking specter of monetary value casting its shadow over the entire affair. I grew up in a family that was blue collar in a white collar neighborhood, with the constant threat of financial struggle an unwanted companion. Couple that with living in an area that just wasn't very "creative friendly" in general, despite having a wonderful free art museum, and it all engendered this very unhealthy relationship that linked making art with profit in order to survive.
It led me to feeling like I was an imposter. Because in order to be a "real" artist, you had to be "successful". This of course encompasses a level of compensation, popularity, connection, and general presence that I was found precious few opportunities for. It also seemed like you had to spend as much if not more time "selling yourself" as what I considered the more important activity: MAKING ART.
This is the crux of what an artist actually does. Duh. And the only thing that need define an artist, but convincing myself of that was going to take some work and some reframing. So I sat down and looked at what I wanted being an artist to actually look like without these ridiculous constraints and expectations that I was never going to be able to live up to, and I came to this conclusion. I need to make something every day, no matter how small.
The funny thing is, once I started thinking that way, and even doing small things like a doodle to loosen up my tense mind, or working briefly on the background of a painting or a snippet of a poem, the more I wanted and was able to put out actual finished work. In the span of a month, I went from doing nearly nothing to filling a sketchbook page with colors, completing a large drawing and then digitally collaging it, finishing a small painting and writing not just a short story but an entire song, an essay, and several poems.
And from there it has only snowballed, as the ideas have started rolling in faster than I can act upon them. Now, to be fair, I am still struggling with the issue of "making a product" because this shit is ingrained. I had started the background of a painting and tried coming back to it only to find myself scared that I would somehow paint the wrong marks and ruin it. This happened because I was focused not on the painting itself or the inspiration and feelings behind it, but because of this unspoken need to put something out there that "people will approve of".
After a little sit down and a discussion with myself, I discovered that I had slipped back into that old mindset that "art is product". No. No it's not. It's not anymore of a product to be exploited than I am, although parts of the society I'm stuck in would surely view me that way. I approached my painting again after steeping myself in two other creative mediums that I enjoy; music, and dance. After a good whirl about with some wild notes and my own emotions, the brushstrokes arrived like enthusiastic party guests who brought a bottle of booze to share.
So here it is, my new MO and my advice to anyone like me who is struggling with art. Do something creative every day. It doesn't matter if you finish, it doesn't matter about the quality. It makes no difference whether or not you share it, in fact, don't necessarily plan to. The focus needs to be on what you are doing and expressing, and whatever flow or joy you can achieve from that process. When you are done, and you feel proud of what you have accomplished....that's enough. Enjoy it. If you want to share afterwards and post it somewhere, great. Do it. But remember WHY you did it to being with. That's the only thing that really counts. Make art every day.
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