Crucial Agony Review/Interview

I was fortunate enough to be present at the annual Cincinnati Gothic Showcase and Twinkie Bakeoff---Mopefest '99-a Night of Snivelry. I was also one of the lucky thirteen degenerates to enter, and as a result I received a box of black kleenex, autographed by none other than... Steve. Anyway,.... the black clad crowd was anxious. Mind you, the fashion police should have arrested half the audience for their tacky makeup jobs and Hot-Topic gear. For the record, let me say that my hair was blacker than anyone else's. And many Gothlings quivered at my impressive stature-due to my three foot velvet platforms.

Ahem...anyhow, the band lineup was impressive--seven bands, all underground, many local. From the Dark Futures label came Vertiginous Catatonia, Stapled Tongues, and Freshly Dead. The MorbidSpork label brought us Guillotine Confetti, and Disembowling my Sister's Cat (not to be confused with the well known Industrial band Dismembering My Sister's Cat). And, for the first time in two years, two unsigned local bands made an appearance--thusly giving them enough Goth points to not be virtually ignored in public. These bands were Lo, I Bleed From Every Orafice for Thee, and Crucial Agony.

The label bands put on a good show, propelling everyone into a mass frenzy of tears, nail biting, excessive moaning and twinkie bondage. Lo, I Bleed... was a bit of a disappointment though.
There was really no bleeding to speak of, and the lead singer kept smiling. Definitely a no-no.

Crucial Agony attracted many a fan that night, however. Despite their initial tech difficulties, they did very well. Bhayne was just rumbling out the first words to My Paine- when an unexpected blood spurt from Jon shorted out the sampler. There was a five minute delay while the hamster powered DAT was wheeled out, then it was back to the show.

The stage performance was engrossing. Between Malady's vicious bludgeoning of every object onstage, and In Absentia's key plunking and hip twitching, there was something for everyone.

Bhayne bellowed like a constipated Cookie Monster one minute, then sobbed like a puppy wounded by a steam shovel the next. Jon inspired the crowd with his angstful guitar playing--managing to break every string before he passed out from severe blood loss. Vertiginy ceased her strange side stage contortions, and after dragging Jon offstage in her teeth, continued to play his guitar despite the complete lack of strings. The band performed each song with a flawless mastery. The highlights of the night were Spooky? , This Club Sucks, and Coffee House Vampire.

Crucial Agony closed with their malevolent instrumental masterpiece Fun With Impalement, a song punctuated by blood curdling screams, arrrghs, puncturing noises and samples of Ginsu knives being sharpened. The band came out for a short bow afterward-noses in the air and covered with a profusion of black bandaids. I was able to get a brief interview with the band and their manager after their set.

​

Pagan:--Excuse me, Christabel? Do you mind if I ask you a few questions about the performance?
Christabel:--Of COURSE I mind. You're wearing BLUE.
P.--Hmmm. Yeah...excuse me, Malady? great performance tonight. M.--Yes. Thank you. Thank you to all the antagonists in my life who have brought me to this state of mental decay.

P.--You really get into your playing. Tell me, how many drumsticks do you break during a show?

M.--at least 20 pairs. That's not counting the ones that Vertiginy gnaws on when I'm not looking.

P.--Wow. Really. How did you become such a formidable percussionist?

M.--I hit things a lot as a child.it was self defense against the malicious onslaught of Barbara Streisand eight tracks that I was forced to listen to when my mother used to lock me in her shoe closet. Worst of all, none of her shoes were black.
P.--Thanks again for your time, Malady.

M.--you say that now, but when you lie bleeding, half dead in the gutter of some suburban street after having been mauled by flesh eating squirrels set upon you by the sadistic old witch next door....who then will you thank?

P.--Thank you Malady.....Ah! In Absentia!

I.--Oh, like, hi!

P.--Great performance tonight. You played very well.

I.--Oh, thanks. I really like hitting the A key. Sometimes I hit the C or D key. After enough practice, I bet I'll get to hit the BLACK KEYS too!

P.--Is that so? I'll bet it takes a lot of rehearsal.

I.--Well, it's really hard to focus sometimes, ya know? I gotta hit a key, and look cute, and make sure
none of my glitter falls off, and then BREATHE on top of it all!!! Bhayne says I'm doing really well.
He's been letting me push some of the pretty buttons on the noisy box thingy too.

P.--Ah, here's Vertiginy....

V.--ARRRGARRRRRAAAGGHHHHH........

M.--Excuse me, she's due for her post show rabies shot. She's not up for an interview right now.

P.--Ah, well. .....Bhayne! Bhayne, can I get some comments on your show tonight?

B.--Oh...I suppose I could set aside my own pain long enough to help you. Go ahead.

P.--It really takes talent to be the frontman of such a ...versatile band.
How do you manage to keep everyone together?

B.--Usually with rope.

P.--I hear that in the next couple months, you'll be finishing work on a
remix album of your previous music, and this will be available at shows.

B.--Yes..somewhere between the endless pining for lost loves, and those voids of silence and shadow I have found the strength to further my artistic endeavors. The remix album...Mangle with Care, is made more poignant by the grief which I have poured into it. It speaks to those whose hearts have been so carelessly flung into a dark oubliette, and to those whose dreams have been snuffed like so many flickering candles.

P.--I was wondering if you could expand on the theme of the bonus track, Spontaneous Crucifiction,
which will be on the new disc. What brought this song about?

B.--We were bored and we had a cross.

P.--...That's all?

B.--And some nails.

P.--Thank you Bhayne. Do you mind if I get a word in with Jon before you go?

B.--I'm not sure he's entirely conscious....

Jon:--tell the bunnies to go away..away you bunnies. Can I have some pickles?I like blue.
Get out of my sandbox....vikings are in my pants...

P.--Yes, obviously. Thank you all again for your graciousness and time.

B.--Time...like life itself is so intangible. We will wither away to bones and dust...then nothing more shall remain.

M.--but first we must endure a lifetime of persecution and senseless pain.

V.--M M M M M M M M M M. pain.

I.--Wow! I didn't even chip a nail! Does anyone have any gum?

J.--There's some plutonium flavored gum in the ear next to my flying couch......uuuuuugh.

M.--you guys drive me insane. Somebody get me some cloves.