Captain Marlock's Advice

Now you may think that pirate life is swords and gold and sea
But there's a part of it that asks for excess bravery.
For when it comes to dinner time our choices are obscene
So don't eat the hard tack, you don't know where it's been.

We churn through all our rations faster than we go through whores.
Our cook's a barmy bloke who ferments fish in unwashed drawers.
We're known more for being queasy than we are known for cuisine.
So don't eat the hard tack, you don't know where it's been.

Don't dare look at the mutton. There's nuttin there to see.
The galley is the gallows and we're all bound for scurvy.
It's all Poor John and burgoo when you want a tangerine.
Just don't eat the hard tack, you don't know where it's been.

Can someone tell me what the four food groups are?
Jerky!
Beans!
Bean jerky!
Rum.
Very good, drink up me, hearties.

We're peckish til we get to port and get some more supplies,
for aye it's nice to eat some pork that isn't drawing flies.
These things are made from flour but they taste like a latrine.
So don't eat the hard tack, you don't know where it's been.

See, hard tack is a biscuit that will damn sure break yer teeth.
But it stops the table wobblin'when you jam one underneath.
They work just great as doorstops and exfoliating feet.
Just say nay to hard tack, t'is not for ye to eat.

Yet hard tack is a staple  that we cannot be without.
Here are all our reasons if ye had any doubt:
For loading the cannon, and pegging seagulls,
For plugging the leaks that spring in the hull,
For faking a treasure chest full of doubloons,
For testing the water depths in a lagoon,
For playing some shuffleboard, building a wall,
For stuffing in mouths of those we keelhaul, 
For marking the map and a holder for quills,
For bothering sharks and hunting bluegills,
For fixing broke bootheels, and killing a rat,
If you glue them together they make a fine hat,
For making grenades or for mending a crutch,
For lobbing at Spaniards and Frenchman and Dutch
For plugging the rum barrels if they get shot,
For replacing the lost top on the teapot,
For building a woman, or marking a grave 
For filling the entrance of your treasure cave.
There's so many uses
Hard tack is good forrrrr....
But food is sadly not one of them.

Our dreams are not of treasure, despite what you've been taught.
We lust for almost any food that ain't covered with rot.
And I'd give my left testicle just to eat something green...
So don't eat the hard tack, you don't know where it's been.

Oi, mate, didn't you already lose the left one in that scuffle with the dutch?
Aye, but I gots me a stand in. Hard tack does come in handy.